Self-Control in all things....
Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 1Cor. 9:25
This verse is really convicting my heart. I am on a new plan of health again. Last summer I was and lost 65 lbs. but much to my chagrin I have gained it all back. I failed b/c I relied on my own strength and not God. Oh don't get me wrong I prayed and I used scipture but I wrestled with God doing the right things and trying so hard in my own strength and not resting in Christ. I did not have joy about the struggle. I did not have joy in battling sin with God. I only had joy in weight loss and compliments that I received. I had joy in man/woman praising me for being better about my health. I had joy in feeling that I was more accepted among my peers. I had joy that I didnt feel huge in pics anymore. I had a false joy. I had an empty joy. Which in end brought about me seeking joy in food again and find comfort in food instead of true joy in God . Therefore not really repenting of the sin of food as an idol in my life and not making Christ my portion. But God in His mercy allowed me to come to end of myself again in this sin and lovingly has corrected and called me out of the darkness and began working on my heart.
First after gaining the weight I got down. I thought about just quiting and giving up. I also even blamed God.... kinda like Adam did in Genesis after Eve ate the from the tree. But to quit just was not what God was going to allow. He just was patient with me and kept speaking to me through His word the Bible and the Spirit just kept convicting me of my sin. This is one thing that I really want to do before I turn 40 I want to be in a healthy eating lifestyle. I want to be in a right relationship with my God, my Lord, my King, My Abba, My friend, My sympathetic High priest, I want to be right with Jesus. I want Christ to be my portion. I want to be back down more than 65lbs but if that is all I lose than I will be content. If I lose a few lbs. I will be content. The purpose of this journey is not that I really lose my goal amount but to stop not having self control in all things. The purpose of this is for Christ to be my portion. I am diciplined in bible study, I can be diciplined in my house work, faithful to my husband and my family but all the things that I am diciplined in and that I do show self control in is b/c of Christ not me. But this verse says every athlete exercises self-control in ALL things. This thorn of weight and love of food just frustrates me to no end. I hate the way I have used food as false idol. I have not used it as God intended for good as fuel to my body. I have used it for entertainment. I have used it for comfort. I have used it to just fill a void that only I should allow God to fill.. I hate the way others judge you when you are overweight they act like you are lazy, or you not as of the same value, or they have no compassion for you b/c they just dont understand why you can't stop eating and why you can't make right choices. I too have said the same things to myself. I have finally come to a point where I am grateful for this trial and sin. I have come to a place where I see my issue with food is sin and I have to repent. I have joy in God knowing that He is loving father and when I surrender this to Him, he will be faithful to walk with me in this trial. Will it be easy? No. Will I lose weight? I dont know. I have to fully seek God and ask him to help me b/c I am so weak in this I can't do this on my own with fast man made ways. I want to be self controlled in all things. I want to show God's glory in my life, in my eating, in my thoughts, in my all my ways. I want to show God's glory in my weakness and need of Him too. I want to show my Joy in God and not in losing weight or getting man/woman's approval. I have realized I have the approval of God b/c of Christ doing what He did on cross now I just need to walk from victory and not be bound to my slavery of sin and chains of sin and show I serve a Savior who is Risen and He is my portion. I see that without this sin in my life I would not need my Savior. So as I journey on this new life change. I seek your prayers and encouragement. I pray Romans 12 to renew my mind and be a living sacrifice for Christ... b/c when I do it will mean that I finally have repented of the false idol of food and truely embraced Christ and He is my portion and I am not seeking something else to bring me comfort or pleasure but only Christ. I pray for my satisfaction to be in Christ and my JOy to be full in Him and Him alone. If I lose weight that will be just added blessing. " Count it all Joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complet lacking in nothing." James 1:1-4
Blessings
Paige
Monday, June 25, 2012
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My Chains are Gone...Like a flood His Mercy reigns
My Chains are gone I have been set free!!!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-mNT0axB9U
As I write this, I listen to one of my favorite songs of all time. Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.
2010 is a year that my husband and I have prayed and longed for since 2002. I remember the day as if it were yesterday, wracked with guilt anxiety and stress. We were a negative in the bank, the creditors were calling, and the bills were going no where. We were in debt 30,000 in credit card debt. Nothing really substantial to show for it either just clothes and shoes really. We had old furniture, old house, and young children. How had this happened we only had 12,000 dollars worth of debt and my hubby's school loan when we had moved into our first home as a young married couple with child. We gone from that to having house debt, van debt, credit card debt and don't forget a 20,000 dollar student loan we had fallen 3 months behind on. Well, I will tell you not being saved, not walking with God, not being wise with our money, sick children and medical bills paid by credit cards, our youngest got RSV and for more than one months both children suffered ear infections and sometimes we have 500 dollars worth antibiotics we had to pay for.. when you have a tight budget and not walking with God, you pay for it with a credit card... and buying without having the cash flow to really support dressing my kids in all the best brands, buying gifts for others to make myself feel better, trying to fill a hole that only God could fill and trying to get past guilt of sin and trying to save myself without confessing and turning to God. Basically living above our means and thinking wants were needs, entrapped with worldly possessions. Oh, and let's not forget PRIDE!! Pride is a sin I fight daily!! Pride has lot to do with any sin in our lives and it goes hand in hand with debt and money issues.
So on that summer day in 2002 I was sitting on my porch smoking, yet another intelligent thing to do...NOT! That is another thing the Lord broke me of for another post, but for those wondering I am free of that chain for almost 6 years now. I was pouring my heart out to a christian friend and she said you have to get a grip and turn to God. I knew all about the right thing to say do I had been raised in church, but all the info had not become heart knowledge, it was all head. I wanted to blame my husband, he was supposed to be the business man, the head of the home, why had he not been more strong and controlled me. LOL! For those of you who knew me when you know how strong I am and independent I used to be... She also suggested which was my only option at the time to call the credit counseling agency and see if they could consolidate my bills and work something.. Me being the hypocrite carnal lost christian game player... I just knew this was answered prayer that God would provide. You see then my view was God was this big Genie in a bottle that came in cleaned up my messes and grant me desires b/c He loved me.. Like Santa Claus... Do you see how self serving this God is? Not me serving Him and needing to die to myself. I mean I had this christian friend that was affirmation, and all that day I kept seeing all these commercials for them so it had to be a sign right, and God want us to prosper... See how shallow my faith was, if you even want to call it faith. It was me making a God I wanted to my selfish desires, me thinking I knew best not really knowing God who He is or even going to His word. Me being an Idolater...But one thing kept ringing in my head it was a sin to be in debt and you can not serve two masters... Thank the Lord, He is long suffering and gentle in His correction of this stupid wretch of a sinner.. Thank the Lord for Mercy and Grace.
So we did do credit counseling, and all the while began really getting involved in church. God had a plan. Thank the Lord in His Mercy He a had plan. I was a slave to my sin. I still had not been set free. I was still playing a game and my heart had not been renewed nor my mind. I was not a living sacrifice. I was still making Idols. Our marriage went through hard times as well, the blame game. The bitterness seed grew in my heart towards my husband, why I don't know I was just as much to blame as he but you see I twisted that head of the household thing that God talks about to my advantage.... Twisting the Word to my view, another sin. Do you see how soaked in sin all this is? How death is the plan's of man? How you should not lean on your own understanding? How you should avoid evil, and run to God? Well in this time guilt over all this hidden sin in our lives was driving me crazy and in my own strength I thought I could figure out what God wanted. I started changing trying to submit, trying to respect my hubby, trying to be happy about staying at home, trying to share the gospel, trying to be a perfect mom, well God did change me in some points in all that but I still was not fully surrendering to His Word, His Way, His Will.. but Mercy and Grace He loved me and was faithful while I sinned and still remained faithless, sermons and God's word, and books with God's word kept convicting me, people that were brought into my life convicted, songs, you name God was after me with a vengeance and with a fervent Holy love. So we did the counseling for a few years and then we realized it was ruining our credit worse than bankruptcy, but that Pride of mine was not going to do that I had gotten this debt. We were going to pay it back b/c after all I was a christian woman, I had to pay back my debt...see how I justified myself? See the pride? Uggh, it still disgusts me to think how foolish I am. But God in His Mercy worked a opp. I prayed, my hubby prayed, we did confess and we repented over this sin many times and begged God to save us and deliver us. He didn't have to just to be saved and not going to hell is enough but in His Mercy He did something above we could dream or hope or pray for Ephesians 3:19. Never think even in your mixed up thinking that you can't cry out to God for His Mercy.. for even when we don't know how to pray the Holy Spirit Moans and Groans on our behalf. My husband's employer is ConocoPhillips and gas was doing awesome. My hubby's stocks and retirement had built up where we could get a loan and pay off this debt and loose a little interest money but pay ourselves back. It was our only option our credit was so bad no one would loan us money, my parents even had to cosign on our cars so we could get one. We paid for the cars but still talk about humbling to be an adult and still need you parents to cosign..But God humbles the proud. I am thankful to my parents too they have helped us many a time.
So we did this loan and it would be paid off in 5 years. 2010 was the year 30,000 would finally be paid off. Now, remember I told you we had hard times in marriage, we did. My children have suffered b/c of our debt too. Because we have to go without some things, not live in the nicest area and live in an older home. That was another humbling thing. I had always grown up living in the best area and going to the best schools. Maybe not the fanciest house but still the best school district. I was spoiled with love and things. This was hard to learn what are wants and what are needs but God is Holy and He does discipline those He loves. I also learned how to make what I have beautiful with out a lot of money. It was also humbling to not be able to buy gifts when I wanted to, clothes when I wanted to, and sometimes we would only have 20 dollars but plenty of groceries to last to the next pay day. I hated living that way b/c if someone got sick I may not have the co pay. But we always were able to pay our bills and God would help us make through those hard weeks and teach me to be frugal, wise, and good house manager and help mate to my hubby. He provided babysitting kids when we needed money, He provided little bonus checks when needed it. He always provided for our needs, and even provided for us when we were helping others. I know sounds crazy but we would allow people to live with us and minister to others even when we had little. That was another humbling thing for me and my hubby we realized how our sin of debt affected work for the kingdom of God. He gave us new desires and new hearts and new minds during all this, because you see he works all things out for His glory. My husband and I are very generous hearted people I am not saying that to boast. We love others and we love to minister, We had to learn how to serve and do God's work with out money and using all that we could do physically. I also learned I don't need money to show others I love them. We also learned how to tithe first then pay bills. That was big lesson to learn to Trust God and realize it's not ours anyway, it's all God's.
The last lesson I learned was we were doing well almost to the finish line of 2010 and we had a set back in our finances. I had been saved and we were walking with God and we were in the word and learning who God is. Yet never think even though you have confessed and repented you are above temptation is this lesson. My hubby made a mistake and with a tight budget if you get behind kinda hard to catch up. He didn't want to tell me and He tried to fix it on his own. Which made things worse. I had planned on not babysitting and was down to two kiddos and was going to be good time b/c they were going to school. I would still watch them but it was less money but nice to have no diapers and no babies for the first time in many years. But this happened. So God in his Mercy had been having this lady want me to babysit for months and I kept saying no I am retired. Then David confessed and we were behind again. I was so Mad!!! It was only 600 dollars but still how were going to do that and still tithe and do all we are supposed to do. So in that anger I went and sold my wedding ring. Remember all those lessons God was teaching me, I still had more pride, bitterness, and anger to work out of my sinful heart. Refiners fire here it came again. I used the money to get us caught up but after much talking and scared I could not be totally vulnerable to my hubby I reluctantly took the babysitting job. I grew so angry and bitter towards my husband though. Why did I have to take on another job? Why didn't he, he was the one that messed up? He was supposed to be our head and provider? Were we not mature in our walk by now after all this to be walking in victory? Why did God not change David? Why Did God not answer my prayers for both of us? I was so angry that it was a battle for our marriage. Some days I wanted to leave and just be like fine I will support our family. I was so mad b/c I thought he was not being a good example as a godly man to our boys. I would have to do it. Do you see a pattern here again? Is this what God's word says about wife and mother? No . Is this How God wanted me to be? No. This time I knew the word and I would pray it and dear Fellow believers were praying for us. We made it and God showed me He was Provider, He is over my husband, but He allows things to grow me more into His Son's image. He taught me I am still weak and it is only by His mercy and grace am I His child and do I obey His Word. He taught I am trust and obey and I must even if my flesh says not too and circumstances can look, God hates divorce, He has created me to be David's help mate. He showed me David is human, not perfect, God doesn't expect me to be perfect, He loves me and changes me in his timing and I am to pray for my husband. Had I not messed up and confessed to God and wanted forgiveness, redemption, restoration and deliverance and help form Him, yet I was not willing to do the same for my husband? He also taught me He has made my husband into a godly man, and that is exactly who He wants to walk with me and raise our children. I must submit and Trust God. Had God not saved me and changed me, are not His ways higher, am I not to lean on Him instead of my own understanding? Has not Satan done this before with Eve in the garden tempting her, twisting the word, had she not wanted to know better than God, had she not fought for headship over Adam? am I not of the same sin nature and only by Grace have I been saved and His righteousness that clothes me? Am I not to be completely and totally dependent on God? Must I forgive and empty myself as Christ did for me? You see when we go to the cross all our pride should die, all of being should die and realize He paid it all and we are to obey and follow and be a Christ follower. I confessed and repented and fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness and then I had to forgive and ask to be forgiven by my husband. David had been praying and repenting too and we began to study the bible together and we prayed scripture over our lives, marriage and family. I sold my ring that July, In December of all months God had someone return my ring. There was only one set of friends at the time that knew where I had sold it. These friends were going through a divorce at the time and we had prayed for their marriage to be saved but they still divorced but God had this person be the one to return my ring. When she bought my ring she was letting go of her marriage it was Only God who could have laid it on her heart to do something like that. God is Mercy and Forgiveness. that story has a whole another day too... But God is the one who saves us, saves our marriages. I was overwhelmed at Christmas to say the least and deep lesson that Christmas. Here I was ugly and angry and horrible and sold my wedding ring to try and fix something and bring embarrassment to my husband and shame. I was being vengeful... Yet God did not shame me, He should have spanked me hard, but He granted me Mercy and forgiveness and RESTORED...Still have tears when I look at my ring on a daily basis. Not that riches or jewelery will be worth anything when we face our king; but for God to do that in a personal detail in my life overwhelms me at How loving of a Creator? How can I not obey, surrender and serve and do whatever He asks, Romans says its God's goodness that brings conviction of the sinner.... ponder that. I don't deserve anything but hell, yet He saved me. I just stand in awe at that.
So the ending to our story. We paid off the debt, I am no longer babysitting. I am completely dependent on God to provide by my husband. I love my husband more every day and am happy to be home and homeschooling our boys. I am happy in my wonderful old home and would willing to give up anything God calls me to? My husband is a very godly man and great leader. David has savings in our bank and he has followed through and gotten counsel from a pastor friend, by reading the Dave Ramsey plan ,and God's word. He sought God and His word and obeyed. Our marriage is stronger and better because of the trials and good times. We now confess to each other nightly sin we are struggling with and pray before we sleep. We read God's word daily together. We no longer see wants as needs and God is growing us even more to care less about things.. but care about Kingdom work.We both believe marriage is a witness of Jesus and the church and not about us or our wants or desires or comforts. Marriage is to bring Glory to God. We also have both been fighting another sin, food. I have lost 33 lbs and David has lost 23lbs in six weeks. God is might to Save! 2010 is a big year in our lives and huge spiritual marker for both of us. I am sure we will face many more trials. But we serve an amazing HOLY GOD who holds us by a MIGHTY RIGHT Hand. We may stumble He will not let us fall. God saved and corrected us, He provided for us, He changed us, He restored us, and He broke our chains of debt. He will continue to break our chains b/c Jesus came to set the captive free. We serve a Resurrected Savior! But we must all humble ourselves, confess and repent. He provides streams in the deserts and roads in the wilderness. Listen to the song above!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-mNT0axB9U
As I write this, I listen to one of my favorite songs of all time. Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.
2010 is a year that my husband and I have prayed and longed for since 2002. I remember the day as if it were yesterday, wracked with guilt anxiety and stress. We were a negative in the bank, the creditors were calling, and the bills were going no where. We were in debt 30,000 in credit card debt. Nothing really substantial to show for it either just clothes and shoes really. We had old furniture, old house, and young children. How had this happened we only had 12,000 dollars worth of debt and my hubby's school loan when we had moved into our first home as a young married couple with child. We gone from that to having house debt, van debt, credit card debt and don't forget a 20,000 dollar student loan we had fallen 3 months behind on. Well, I will tell you not being saved, not walking with God, not being wise with our money, sick children and medical bills paid by credit cards, our youngest got RSV and for more than one months both children suffered ear infections and sometimes we have 500 dollars worth antibiotics we had to pay for.. when you have a tight budget and not walking with God, you pay for it with a credit card... and buying without having the cash flow to really support dressing my kids in all the best brands, buying gifts for others to make myself feel better, trying to fill a hole that only God could fill and trying to get past guilt of sin and trying to save myself without confessing and turning to God. Basically living above our means and thinking wants were needs, entrapped with worldly possessions. Oh, and let's not forget PRIDE!! Pride is a sin I fight daily!! Pride has lot to do with any sin in our lives and it goes hand in hand with debt and money issues.
So on that summer day in 2002 I was sitting on my porch smoking, yet another intelligent thing to do...NOT! That is another thing the Lord broke me of for another post, but for those wondering I am free of that chain for almost 6 years now. I was pouring my heart out to a christian friend and she said you have to get a grip and turn to God. I knew all about the right thing to say do I had been raised in church, but all the info had not become heart knowledge, it was all head. I wanted to blame my husband, he was supposed to be the business man, the head of the home, why had he not been more strong and controlled me. LOL! For those of you who knew me when you know how strong I am and independent I used to be... She also suggested which was my only option at the time to call the credit counseling agency and see if they could consolidate my bills and work something.. Me being the hypocrite carnal lost christian game player... I just knew this was answered prayer that God would provide. You see then my view was God was this big Genie in a bottle that came in cleaned up my messes and grant me desires b/c He loved me.. Like Santa Claus... Do you see how self serving this God is? Not me serving Him and needing to die to myself. I mean I had this christian friend that was affirmation, and all that day I kept seeing all these commercials for them so it had to be a sign right, and God want us to prosper... See how shallow my faith was, if you even want to call it faith. It was me making a God I wanted to my selfish desires, me thinking I knew best not really knowing God who He is or even going to His word. Me being an Idolater...But one thing kept ringing in my head it was a sin to be in debt and you can not serve two masters... Thank the Lord, He is long suffering and gentle in His correction of this stupid wretch of a sinner.. Thank the Lord for Mercy and Grace.
So we did do credit counseling, and all the while began really getting involved in church. God had a plan. Thank the Lord in His Mercy He a had plan. I was a slave to my sin. I still had not been set free. I was still playing a game and my heart had not been renewed nor my mind. I was not a living sacrifice. I was still making Idols. Our marriage went through hard times as well, the blame game. The bitterness seed grew in my heart towards my husband, why I don't know I was just as much to blame as he but you see I twisted that head of the household thing that God talks about to my advantage.... Twisting the Word to my view, another sin. Do you see how soaked in sin all this is? How death is the plan's of man? How you should not lean on your own understanding? How you should avoid evil, and run to God? Well in this time guilt over all this hidden sin in our lives was driving me crazy and in my own strength I thought I could figure out what God wanted. I started changing trying to submit, trying to respect my hubby, trying to be happy about staying at home, trying to share the gospel, trying to be a perfect mom, well God did change me in some points in all that but I still was not fully surrendering to His Word, His Way, His Will.. but Mercy and Grace He loved me and was faithful while I sinned and still remained faithless, sermons and God's word, and books with God's word kept convicting me, people that were brought into my life convicted, songs, you name God was after me with a vengeance and with a fervent Holy love. So we did the counseling for a few years and then we realized it was ruining our credit worse than bankruptcy, but that Pride of mine was not going to do that I had gotten this debt. We were going to pay it back b/c after all I was a christian woman, I had to pay back my debt...see how I justified myself? See the pride? Uggh, it still disgusts me to think how foolish I am. But God in His Mercy worked a opp. I prayed, my hubby prayed, we did confess and we repented over this sin many times and begged God to save us and deliver us. He didn't have to just to be saved and not going to hell is enough but in His Mercy He did something above we could dream or hope or pray for Ephesians 3:19. Never think even in your mixed up thinking that you can't cry out to God for His Mercy.. for even when we don't know how to pray the Holy Spirit Moans and Groans on our behalf. My husband's employer is ConocoPhillips and gas was doing awesome. My hubby's stocks and retirement had built up where we could get a loan and pay off this debt and loose a little interest money but pay ourselves back. It was our only option our credit was so bad no one would loan us money, my parents even had to cosign on our cars so we could get one. We paid for the cars but still talk about humbling to be an adult and still need you parents to cosign..But God humbles the proud. I am thankful to my parents too they have helped us many a time.
So we did this loan and it would be paid off in 5 years. 2010 was the year 30,000 would finally be paid off. Now, remember I told you we had hard times in marriage, we did. My children have suffered b/c of our debt too. Because we have to go without some things, not live in the nicest area and live in an older home. That was another humbling thing. I had always grown up living in the best area and going to the best schools. Maybe not the fanciest house but still the best school district. I was spoiled with love and things. This was hard to learn what are wants and what are needs but God is Holy and He does discipline those He loves. I also learned how to make what I have beautiful with out a lot of money. It was also humbling to not be able to buy gifts when I wanted to, clothes when I wanted to, and sometimes we would only have 20 dollars but plenty of groceries to last to the next pay day. I hated living that way b/c if someone got sick I may not have the co pay. But we always were able to pay our bills and God would help us make through those hard weeks and teach me to be frugal, wise, and good house manager and help mate to my hubby. He provided babysitting kids when we needed money, He provided little bonus checks when needed it. He always provided for our needs, and even provided for us when we were helping others. I know sounds crazy but we would allow people to live with us and minister to others even when we had little. That was another humbling thing for me and my hubby we realized how our sin of debt affected work for the kingdom of God. He gave us new desires and new hearts and new minds during all this, because you see he works all things out for His glory. My husband and I are very generous hearted people I am not saying that to boast. We love others and we love to minister, We had to learn how to serve and do God's work with out money and using all that we could do physically. I also learned I don't need money to show others I love them. We also learned how to tithe first then pay bills. That was big lesson to learn to Trust God and realize it's not ours anyway, it's all God's.
The last lesson I learned was we were doing well almost to the finish line of 2010 and we had a set back in our finances. I had been saved and we were walking with God and we were in the word and learning who God is. Yet never think even though you have confessed and repented you are above temptation is this lesson. My hubby made a mistake and with a tight budget if you get behind kinda hard to catch up. He didn't want to tell me and He tried to fix it on his own. Which made things worse. I had planned on not babysitting and was down to two kiddos and was going to be good time b/c they were going to school. I would still watch them but it was less money but nice to have no diapers and no babies for the first time in many years. But this happened. So God in his Mercy had been having this lady want me to babysit for months and I kept saying no I am retired. Then David confessed and we were behind again. I was so Mad!!! It was only 600 dollars but still how were going to do that and still tithe and do all we are supposed to do. So in that anger I went and sold my wedding ring. Remember all those lessons God was teaching me, I still had more pride, bitterness, and anger to work out of my sinful heart. Refiners fire here it came again. I used the money to get us caught up but after much talking and scared I could not be totally vulnerable to my hubby I reluctantly took the babysitting job. I grew so angry and bitter towards my husband though. Why did I have to take on another job? Why didn't he, he was the one that messed up? He was supposed to be our head and provider? Were we not mature in our walk by now after all this to be walking in victory? Why did God not change David? Why Did God not answer my prayers for both of us? I was so angry that it was a battle for our marriage. Some days I wanted to leave and just be like fine I will support our family. I was so mad b/c I thought he was not being a good example as a godly man to our boys. I would have to do it. Do you see a pattern here again? Is this what God's word says about wife and mother? No . Is this How God wanted me to be? No. This time I knew the word and I would pray it and dear Fellow believers were praying for us. We made it and God showed me He was Provider, He is over my husband, but He allows things to grow me more into His Son's image. He taught me I am still weak and it is only by His mercy and grace am I His child and do I obey His Word. He taught I am trust and obey and I must even if my flesh says not too and circumstances can look, God hates divorce, He has created me to be David's help mate. He showed me David is human, not perfect, God doesn't expect me to be perfect, He loves me and changes me in his timing and I am to pray for my husband. Had I not messed up and confessed to God and wanted forgiveness, redemption, restoration and deliverance and help form Him, yet I was not willing to do the same for my husband? He also taught me He has made my husband into a godly man, and that is exactly who He wants to walk with me and raise our children. I must submit and Trust God. Had God not saved me and changed me, are not His ways higher, am I not to lean on Him instead of my own understanding? Has not Satan done this before with Eve in the garden tempting her, twisting the word, had she not wanted to know better than God, had she not fought for headship over Adam? am I not of the same sin nature and only by Grace have I been saved and His righteousness that clothes me? Am I not to be completely and totally dependent on God? Must I forgive and empty myself as Christ did for me? You see when we go to the cross all our pride should die, all of being should die and realize He paid it all and we are to obey and follow and be a Christ follower. I confessed and repented and fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness and then I had to forgive and ask to be forgiven by my husband. David had been praying and repenting too and we began to study the bible together and we prayed scripture over our lives, marriage and family. I sold my ring that July, In December of all months God had someone return my ring. There was only one set of friends at the time that knew where I had sold it. These friends were going through a divorce at the time and we had prayed for their marriage to be saved but they still divorced but God had this person be the one to return my ring. When she bought my ring she was letting go of her marriage it was Only God who could have laid it on her heart to do something like that. God is Mercy and Forgiveness. that story has a whole another day too... But God is the one who saves us, saves our marriages. I was overwhelmed at Christmas to say the least and deep lesson that Christmas. Here I was ugly and angry and horrible and sold my wedding ring to try and fix something and bring embarrassment to my husband and shame. I was being vengeful... Yet God did not shame me, He should have spanked me hard, but He granted me Mercy and forgiveness and RESTORED...Still have tears when I look at my ring on a daily basis. Not that riches or jewelery will be worth anything when we face our king; but for God to do that in a personal detail in my life overwhelms me at How loving of a Creator? How can I not obey, surrender and serve and do whatever He asks, Romans says its God's goodness that brings conviction of the sinner.... ponder that. I don't deserve anything but hell, yet He saved me. I just stand in awe at that.
So the ending to our story. We paid off the debt, I am no longer babysitting. I am completely dependent on God to provide by my husband. I love my husband more every day and am happy to be home and homeschooling our boys. I am happy in my wonderful old home and would willing to give up anything God calls me to? My husband is a very godly man and great leader. David has savings in our bank and he has followed through and gotten counsel from a pastor friend, by reading the Dave Ramsey plan ,and God's word. He sought God and His word and obeyed. Our marriage is stronger and better because of the trials and good times. We now confess to each other nightly sin we are struggling with and pray before we sleep. We read God's word daily together. We no longer see wants as needs and God is growing us even more to care less about things.. but care about Kingdom work.We both believe marriage is a witness of Jesus and the church and not about us or our wants or desires or comforts. Marriage is to bring Glory to God. We also have both been fighting another sin, food. I have lost 33 lbs and David has lost 23lbs in six weeks. God is might to Save! 2010 is a big year in our lives and huge spiritual marker for both of us. I am sure we will face many more trials. But we serve an amazing HOLY GOD who holds us by a MIGHTY RIGHT Hand. We may stumble He will not let us fall. God saved and corrected us, He provided for us, He changed us, He restored us, and He broke our chains of debt. He will continue to break our chains b/c Jesus came to set the captive free. We serve a Resurrected Savior! But we must all humble ourselves, confess and repent. He provides streams in the deserts and roads in the wilderness. Listen to the song above!!
Friday, April 9, 2010
Landon Riley Douglas is 13!!
March 26, 2010 our oldest turned 13.
Some people have said oh, you 
are parent of a teenager.
are parent of a teenager.Then they follow with.We will be praying for you. Then many laughs abound or giggles.
When Landon turned 10 I feared this day. I was foolish to fear; but in God's mercy, He guided me to pray and seek scripture to pray for my child. I must say I am not fearful and I am actually enjoying it and excited.
I have 
seen God work many things in our lives with Landon and I trust God with him. I have asked for God to guide on us to lead him biblical and give him friends that are truth seekers. I have asked God to slay Landon with law of His Word so he will see he is a sinner and in need of a savior.
Do we have frustrating times and does Landon sin? Yes, but b/c God has intervened in our lives it is going to be a wonderful adventure.
seen God work many things in our lives with Landon and I trust God with him. I have asked for God to guide on us to lead him biblical and give him friends that are truth seekers. I have asked God to slay Landon with law of His Word so he will see he is a sinner and in need of a savior.Do we have frustrating times and does Landon sin? Yes, but b/c God has intervened in our lives it is going to be a wonderful adventure.
Landon is all heart. He is funny and is learning to be more self controlled. But I could not nor would dream of having any other son other than Landon. He is smart and understands when you teach the bible and other topics. He loves science and geography. He loves people. He has a tender and compassionate heart. He is sensitive and strong! He loves the color green and camo! He loves to be active!! Landon is a rule follower and very black and white. He does love quality time spent with him and he is very loving towards us. He also loves HUMOR!! We laugh a lot together. Another one of his loves are his animals. He loves his dog and he loves learning and working with his Pop's horses. Landon also respects his elders. He loves his grandparents especially His Pop!! He may fight at times with his brother , but we know he loves him b/c he worries and is protective over his brother even in advising his father and I on what his brother can handle watching or doing. He does get concerned if something will scare Parker.
We love Landon very much. God has used him to make us into the kind of parents He wants us to be and we are so grateful God gave us him our firstborn son. Our family is blessed to have him. We enjoy his heart of compassion and his humor.
We celebrated with his friends that God has provided and went laser tagging. I say God provided them b/c our prayer has been that God send godly friends and remove evil influences out of our sons lives. God answers prayers. I was so awed by God's goodness when this group of boys came to our house. I love them and their families and only God could have brought this all about. I could not have picked it on my own nor my husband. I am so grateful God called us to home school, and then led us to a great group of homeschooling people who have the same heart in raising children to glorify God and Honor Him. We both have been so grateful for all that God has brought into Landon's life and ours. We know that the teenage years will be exciting, learning, hard, fun, bittersweet, but mostly we looked forward because we serve an amazing God and when you commit your ways to Him the journey is so much easier and rewarding! It only encourages us more to memorize scripture, pray it over our children, and be doers of the Word for God's glory and His purpose for our lives and our sons.
We celebrated with his friends that God has provided and went laser tagging. I say God provided them b/c our prayer has been that God send godly friends and remove evil influences out of our sons lives. God answers prayers. I was so awed by God's goodness when this group of boys came to our house. I love them and their families and only God could have brought this all about. I could not have picked it on my own nor my husband. I am so grateful God called us to home school, and then led us to a great group of homeschooling people who have the same heart in raising children to glorify God and Honor Him. We both have been so grateful for all that God has brought into Landon's life and ours. We know that the teenage years will be exciting, learning, hard, fun, bittersweet, but mostly we looked forward because we serve an amazing God and when you commit your ways to Him the journey is so much easier and rewarding! It only encourages us more to memorize scripture, pray it over our children, and be doers of the Word for God's glory and His purpose for our lives and our sons.
We love you Landon Riley and pray everyday for you to love the Lord with all your heart, mind, soul and strength. We looked forward to seeing you grow into the man wants you to be!! We pray for you to be a Psalm 15 man.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
TRUSTING GOD
"If we can't believe God when circumstances against us, we do not believe him at all."
Charles Spurgeon
Trusting God no matter the circumstances has been a huge lesson for me this whole year. I am learning to trust God in many areas and I have become so awed by His overflowing love. Have you had those moments in your spiritual walk where you just fall in love all over with the Lord? As a believer it is so exciting to see new believers when they get saved. It reminds you of the kind of zeal and fervor you should have on a daily basis. It reminds you how grateful to be when you are saved. It's relief that you are not going to burn for eternity. It is indescribable the moment you see what a sinner you are, the need of a savior, and the peace that comes from knowing God has showed mercy and saved you. It renews you and refreshes you especially if you have been walking with the Lord for while and been going through a trial. Just as spring, babies, and even baby animals can bring a sweet smile to your face. It is beautiful to see a Christ follower on fire for the Lord. It tells us in God's word when we seek Him we will find Him, but you have to seek with all your heart. I have learned to just seek and Him and really just pray and ask for Him to enable me to commit all my ways to him no matter the circumstance.
When a loved one hurts you, can you just let it go and forgive and not react but respond with God's grace every time? When I do my daily chores can I just praise God for all the blessings even if it is something like potty training which takes a lot of patience and consistency? When I clean up the accidents can I have a happy heart while doing it every single time? Can I ignore other's heart conditions that treat me with no respect and disregard me as if I were of no value? Can I breath life into my husband and children with encouraging words instead of criticism? Can I fight depression and self pity? Can I encourage my friends to keep their eyes on God and His Word? Can I encourage with God's word and not my own? Can I be bold and stand firm in my convictions even when facing opposition or persecution? Am I committed to God and what He tells me even if all leave and forsake that are human? Can I not get lazy? Can I not procrastinate? Can I not give into temptation? Can I be disciplined every day to my quiet time and exercise? When someone hates you because the Christ in you makes them uncomfortable can I just not worry about it, nor feel any anger towards them? Can I just not be insecure? When my child sins can I not see it as a personal reflection, not let my pride get in the way and correct without punishing, and just see how God is working and what He wants me to do? Can I be content in all circumstances and keep joyful in trial and tribulation? Can I praise God through a storm or valley? Can I just be still and empty myself out for the Lord and only for His glory and not for Him to praise me or others to think I am good?
All of these I answer no to. I can not do it on my own, but with the Holy Spirit I can! He will guide me and mold me into a yes. He has and will continue to in my walk with Him. In that I am awed. In that I am humbled and grateful!! In death and resurrection of Christ our Lord am I set free! I am so thankful for learning to TRUST and KNOW God. I am awed that I am being allowed to die to self and live in Christ.
By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace was not in vain. On the contrary I work harder than any of them, though it was not I but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Cor. 15:10
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in ALL things at ALL times, you may abound in every good work. 2Cor. 9:8
"If we can't believe God when circumstances against us, we do not believe him at all."
Charles Spurgeon
Trusting God no matter the circumstances has been a huge lesson for me this whole year. I am learning to trust God in many areas and I have become so awed by His overflowing love. Have you had those moments in your spiritual walk where you just fall in love all over with the Lord? As a believer it is so exciting to see new believers when they get saved. It reminds you of the kind of zeal and fervor you should have on a daily basis. It reminds you how grateful to be when you are saved. It's relief that you are not going to burn for eternity. It is indescribable the moment you see what a sinner you are, the need of a savior, and the peace that comes from knowing God has showed mercy and saved you. It renews you and refreshes you especially if you have been walking with the Lord for while and been going through a trial. Just as spring, babies, and even baby animals can bring a sweet smile to your face. It is beautiful to see a Christ follower on fire for the Lord. It tells us in God's word when we seek Him we will find Him, but you have to seek with all your heart. I have learned to just seek and Him and really just pray and ask for Him to enable me to commit all my ways to him no matter the circumstance.
When a loved one hurts you, can you just let it go and forgive and not react but respond with God's grace every time? When I do my daily chores can I just praise God for all the blessings even if it is something like potty training which takes a lot of patience and consistency? When I clean up the accidents can I have a happy heart while doing it every single time? Can I ignore other's heart conditions that treat me with no respect and disregard me as if I were of no value? Can I breath life into my husband and children with encouraging words instead of criticism? Can I fight depression and self pity? Can I encourage my friends to keep their eyes on God and His Word? Can I encourage with God's word and not my own? Can I be bold and stand firm in my convictions even when facing opposition or persecution? Am I committed to God and what He tells me even if all leave and forsake that are human? Can I not get lazy? Can I not procrastinate? Can I not give into temptation? Can I be disciplined every day to my quiet time and exercise? When someone hates you because the Christ in you makes them uncomfortable can I just not worry about it, nor feel any anger towards them? Can I just not be insecure? When my child sins can I not see it as a personal reflection, not let my pride get in the way and correct without punishing, and just see how God is working and what He wants me to do? Can I be content in all circumstances and keep joyful in trial and tribulation? Can I praise God through a storm or valley? Can I just be still and empty myself out for the Lord and only for His glory and not for Him to praise me or others to think I am good?
All of these I answer no to. I can not do it on my own, but with the Holy Spirit I can! He will guide me and mold me into a yes. He has and will continue to in my walk with Him. In that I am awed. In that I am humbled and grateful!! In death and resurrection of Christ our Lord am I set free! I am so thankful for learning to TRUST and KNOW God. I am awed that I am being allowed to die to self and live in Christ.
By the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace was not in vain. On the contrary I work harder than any of them, though it was not I but the grace of God that is with me. 1 Cor. 15:10
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in ALL things at ALL times, you may abound in every good work. 2Cor. 9:8
Sunday, March 21, 2010
But He emptied himself, taking the form of a bond servant, and being made in the likeness of men. Phillipians 2:7
John MaCArthur says "Jesus did not give up his deity but set aside certain prerogatives. For one thing He gave up His heavenly glory..."
Ouch! How many times do I do righteous acts to receive glory or praise from man/woman and even try to work to impress God instead of just obeying and doing out pure humility and love and pure awe of a Holy God we serve. Do I so openly empty myself for our Lord to glorify Him and only to glorify ? Have I emptied myself in comparison to Christ is what I ask myself? No.
Oh but what a Savior we have that did so for us while we were ones who rejected Him.
Oh, Lord I pray help me become more appreciative of the sacrificial humility you did on my behalf... Forgive my shortsightedness and my self absorption, my pride and help me to not boast of anything but remain on my knees and my eyes upon you to Praise You for all You so mercifully bestow and so steadfastly endure to love this sinner and so grateful I am to begin to see a small portion of Your Glory. So thankful that You, Lord supply a man to preach Your Truth like John MaCArthur and Your word to convict my heart....
John MaCArthur says "Jesus did not give up his deity but set aside certain prerogatives. For one thing He gave up His heavenly glory..."
Ouch! How many times do I do righteous acts to receive glory or praise from man/woman and even try to work to impress God instead of just obeying and doing out pure humility and love and pure awe of a Holy God we serve. Do I so openly empty myself for our Lord to glorify Him and only to glorify ? Have I emptied myself in comparison to Christ is what I ask myself? No.
Oh but what a Savior we have that did so for us while we were ones who rejected Him.
Oh, Lord I pray help me become more appreciative of the sacrificial humility you did on my behalf... Forgive my shortsightedness and my self absorption, my pride and help me to not boast of anything but remain on my knees and my eyes upon you to Praise You for all You so mercifully bestow and so steadfastly endure to love this sinner and so grateful I am to begin to see a small portion of Your Glory. So thankful that You, Lord supply a man to preach Your Truth like John MaCArthur and Your word to convict my heart....
Sunday, March 14, 2010
John MaCArthur says that the absence of boasting tells volumes about their character. Then He used the verse from 1Samuel 2:3 " Boast no more so very proudly, do not let arrogance come out of your mouth; For the Lord is a God of knowledge; and with Him actions are weighed."
I pondered this and thought how convicting this was to me personally on not to boast nor be arrogant in anything I can do. Nor even boast about the gifts the Lord gave me. I know not to be prideful for whatever the Lord gives, he can take away. I recently did have to let go of something I had great pride in. I didn't realize that the lesson would include this too. Even in gifts that God mercifully give us we can be prideful, like our family, our church, our friends, and then things too like gifts, homes, finances, anything. This lesson has brought to be content in God and God alone. I have had so many lessons the past months that God is enough. God is enough if you don't have a husband, ( which I have been blessed to have a husband, but seeing dear friends become a widow or go through divorce, or just be temporarily in a different town away from a spouses been witness to me.) God is enough if you don't have a child, (which I do watching others lose theirs to illness, miscarriages, spiritual lostness, loss of everyday custody through divorce, sharing custody with even a step-parent, or even infertility, but yet I have been blessed with healthy children and not suffered a loss of this sort either) loss of a church family and friends is another form of loss( I did have to say goodbye to a church family b/c God had other plans for us to move to another, that has been one hard trial.) God scatters His people for His glory to spread and shared and to say goodbye is hard and change is hard. To not have a church or Pastor for a time frame is hard but God is enough, He does lead you through the dessert and the wilderness to where He wants you. I took pride in my church, my friends and never thought this sort of change or sacrifice would be asked, yet He did. He is showing me to have my roots in Him for even though there are many blessings there is suffering but is the sufferings that grow us in Him the most, and it is the sufferings that refine and produce the righteous fruit. It is the pruning the vine dresser does that produces righteous fruit.
I am learning to not to boast, to be content, to be thankful for each moment in God's presence and cherish each day each gift and trial He allows me to have. I am learning to love on and minister to who the Lord has me cross paths with for that day for we know not what tomorrow holds and we have nothing to boast of except that God is Holy God and He is the King, the Judge, the gift giver, the Creator, the only thing we should be desperate for. He should be our portion and we are thankful for the boundary lines He placed for our inheritance is great but it is nothing we deserve but an inheritance of Gracious and Loving Father.
I pondered this and thought how convicting this was to me personally on not to boast nor be arrogant in anything I can do. Nor even boast about the gifts the Lord gave me. I know not to be prideful for whatever the Lord gives, he can take away. I recently did have to let go of something I had great pride in. I didn't realize that the lesson would include this too. Even in gifts that God mercifully give us we can be prideful, like our family, our church, our friends, and then things too like gifts, homes, finances, anything. This lesson has brought to be content in God and God alone. I have had so many lessons the past months that God is enough. God is enough if you don't have a husband, ( which I have been blessed to have a husband, but seeing dear friends become a widow or go through divorce, or just be temporarily in a different town away from a spouses been witness to me.) God is enough if you don't have a child, (which I do watching others lose theirs to illness, miscarriages, spiritual lostness, loss of everyday custody through divorce, sharing custody with even a step-parent, or even infertility, but yet I have been blessed with healthy children and not suffered a loss of this sort either) loss of a church family and friends is another form of loss( I did have to say goodbye to a church family b/c God had other plans for us to move to another, that has been one hard trial.) God scatters His people for His glory to spread and shared and to say goodbye is hard and change is hard. To not have a church or Pastor for a time frame is hard but God is enough, He does lead you through the dessert and the wilderness to where He wants you. I took pride in my church, my friends and never thought this sort of change or sacrifice would be asked, yet He did. He is showing me to have my roots in Him for even though there are many blessings there is suffering but is the sufferings that grow us in Him the most, and it is the sufferings that refine and produce the righteous fruit. It is the pruning the vine dresser does that produces righteous fruit.
I am learning to not to boast, to be content, to be thankful for each moment in God's presence and cherish each day each gift and trial He allows me to have. I am learning to love on and minister to who the Lord has me cross paths with for that day for we know not what tomorrow holds and we have nothing to boast of except that God is Holy God and He is the King, the Judge, the gift giver, the Creator, the only thing we should be desperate for. He should be our portion and we are thankful for the boundary lines He placed for our inheritance is great but it is nothing we deserve but an inheritance of Gracious and Loving Father.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
My mother always told me I should be a teacher....
When my mom told me that as I was trying to figure out what to major in when I went to college I scoffed at her. I said "Mom you are a teacher and grandma is a teacher... I don't have to be a teacher like you guys." " How boring"..... My dad said " Teaching is a great job for mom's you have the same holidays and hours as your kids." hmmmm......
God called me to home school at the age of 33... He probably called me sooner but I was not listening... Homeschooling is not what my mom or dad had in mind when they were encouraging me at 18 either. But God's ways are higher and that is why His word says don't lean on your own understanding. I didn't listen to them but at 33 and after many trials I did listen to God. Funny How it was God plan all along. How He was planting seeds along in my heart so in His perfect timing I would be willing and ready to do His Will... As it says in His word, "..man makes his plans but God directs the steps."
Over the years after changing my major several times I had regrets. I wished I had done what my parents suggested and just gotten my education degree. But oh, no my plans were better yet I ended up with 170 credit hours and no degree. The joke was on me. LOL. But even though I have not yet completed my education God is the God of impossible things. He does not call the qualified, He qualifies us and equips us to do His Will... My is that not a huge lesson. My parents always told me not to feel guilty that yes I should have finished but that education was not a waste and I could still use it and apply it. They still would have never guessed what God had planned neither would I. You see I got married and a baby came very fast after before I could finish that degree. But God gave me that man and baby, yet again God loving while I was still a rebellious sinner. What an amazing God we have. His Love is so long suffering and steadfast!! How much He endures on my behalf. So thankful for His mercy and forgiveness this sinner is!!!!
When He called us to home school I still was like well I will take it a year at time. I thought I really could not do the best job. You see I know my heart I know my weaknesses but I had a small view of God and How He does mighty things with our weaknesses b/c He is potter. He knows the plans He has for me and my children. I don't know His plans I am not the Creator and that was my first awakening. Yet again my weak flesh thinking I knew the plan for these children the Lord had given me. I humbled myself and repented and asked if this was His Will to help me to die to myself and stay close to Him.
I have never been so grown, stretched, humbled, blessed, desperate, and fulfilled nor more dependent on the Lord than now at during this time. First of all it has brought our family to a new intimate level with one another. It has grown me spiritually as a wife, mom, and woman and understanding biblical womanhood. I was always very involved when my first born was in school and when my second son was in pre-K, but I was not truly knowing my sons. I was there but not present, I had a relationship with them but didn't know them nor allow them to know me until we started on this journey. I am so thankful at what God has done with my oldest and I and the restoration and growth in our relationship as mother and son. I look forward to his teenage years. I am blessed that God has us do this so both my sons can grow in Him. As my sons learn not only about God but also have a biblical view instead of a worldview. I am blessed as it says that I can encourage them both to guard their hearts..." for it is the wellspring of life". That they can focus on God and school and not be desensitised to the High calling God has for them. " For Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" Proverbs 1:7
The joy of being able to teach my youngest son to read is a joy I can't describe. The Joy of knowing my sons are not ADD and not being labeled. The Joy of learning each sons' learning styles and how they best learn and seeing them excel in hard things. Seeing them excel in subjects that are not their strongest yet finding ways for them to put things in long term memory instead for just testing and being prepared for college at such young ages thrills my heart. The Joy of knowing that God will lead them and guide despite my feeble attempts." For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints." Proverbs 2;6-8
The peace that my children have when they talk about God and His word when it applies to something in history, science, art, language, and math is incomparable to anything I could ever hope or dream for them. Ephesians 3:19-20.
For my few readers who may wondering why I am writing this? I had to journal before I forget what God has used to bless me. I had to write so on day when I am discouraged I can come back and be reminded. I had to Praise God for all He has done and will do. The other day as my oldest helped my youngest one day with math I was reminded with the warm fuzzy in my heart that I may have never got to see that happen and another moment seeing my youngest teach one of my babysitting kids from a book how to sign language... I just cried. So thankful to have the relationships I have with my husband and boys. So thankful He has brought such closeness to our family. So thankful He has taught me to be biblical in my role as wife and mother. So thankful for all the families He has brought to our lives through homeschooling. So thankful for all the hard lessons and trials. So thankful to be in His Will and see fruit in my sons.
I thought OH, thank you Lord for finding me worthy to have sons, to call me to home school them and to teach them along side the greatest Teacher of all You, O Lord, Our Holy God. Thank you for forgiving me and changing me. Thank You for having plans for me. Thank you for giving parents who prayed even though they did not know Your plans for me, Thank you Lord for giving me grandparents who prayed even though they didn't know Your plans for me, Thank you for great-grandparents I never met but had strong Faith to pray for me. May I continue to pray for the future generations to grow them In Your Word and Truth , so they may be wise as it says in Proverbs 1 and 2 to hear and increase in learning, and understand and obtain guidance treasure only your commandments and seek Your Wisdom and love You and Your word and hide it in hearts. May Your Word plant deep roots in my children's hearts, my grandchildren, and future generations of our family to leave a legacy a of family who loves and worships You. Thank You for planning my journey and helping me have a bigger picture and not be held captive to fear or guilt but equipping me and using me to Your glory as a wife and mother. Thank You for Your Mercy and sending Your Son to save me.
When my mom told me that as I was trying to figure out what to major in when I went to college I scoffed at her. I said "Mom you are a teacher and grandma is a teacher... I don't have to be a teacher like you guys." " How boring"..... My dad said " Teaching is a great job for mom's you have the same holidays and hours as your kids." hmmmm......
God called me to home school at the age of 33... He probably called me sooner but I was not listening... Homeschooling is not what my mom or dad had in mind when they were encouraging me at 18 either. But God's ways are higher and that is why His word says don't lean on your own understanding. I didn't listen to them but at 33 and after many trials I did listen to God. Funny How it was God plan all along. How He was planting seeds along in my heart so in His perfect timing I would be willing and ready to do His Will... As it says in His word, "..man makes his plans but God directs the steps."
Over the years after changing my major several times I had regrets. I wished I had done what my parents suggested and just gotten my education degree. But oh, no my plans were better yet I ended up with 170 credit hours and no degree. The joke was on me. LOL. But even though I have not yet completed my education God is the God of impossible things. He does not call the qualified, He qualifies us and equips us to do His Will... My is that not a huge lesson. My parents always told me not to feel guilty that yes I should have finished but that education was not a waste and I could still use it and apply it. They still would have never guessed what God had planned neither would I. You see I got married and a baby came very fast after before I could finish that degree. But God gave me that man and baby, yet again God loving while I was still a rebellious sinner. What an amazing God we have. His Love is so long suffering and steadfast!! How much He endures on my behalf. So thankful for His mercy and forgiveness this sinner is!!!!
When He called us to home school I still was like well I will take it a year at time. I thought I really could not do the best job. You see I know my heart I know my weaknesses but I had a small view of God and How He does mighty things with our weaknesses b/c He is potter. He knows the plans He has for me and my children. I don't know His plans I am not the Creator and that was my first awakening. Yet again my weak flesh thinking I knew the plan for these children the Lord had given me. I humbled myself and repented and asked if this was His Will to help me to die to myself and stay close to Him.
I have never been so grown, stretched, humbled, blessed, desperate, and fulfilled nor more dependent on the Lord than now at during this time. First of all it has brought our family to a new intimate level with one another. It has grown me spiritually as a wife, mom, and woman and understanding biblical womanhood. I was always very involved when my first born was in school and when my second son was in pre-K, but I was not truly knowing my sons. I was there but not present, I had a relationship with them but didn't know them nor allow them to know me until we started on this journey. I am so thankful at what God has done with my oldest and I and the restoration and growth in our relationship as mother and son. I look forward to his teenage years. I am blessed that God has us do this so both my sons can grow in Him. As my sons learn not only about God but also have a biblical view instead of a worldview. I am blessed as it says that I can encourage them both to guard their hearts..." for it is the wellspring of life". That they can focus on God and school and not be desensitised to the High calling God has for them. " For Fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge; fools despise wisdom and instruction" Proverbs 1:7
The joy of being able to teach my youngest son to read is a joy I can't describe. The Joy of knowing my sons are not ADD and not being labeled. The Joy of learning each sons' learning styles and how they best learn and seeing them excel in hard things. Seeing them excel in subjects that are not their strongest yet finding ways for them to put things in long term memory instead for just testing and being prepared for college at such young ages thrills my heart. The Joy of knowing that God will lead them and guide despite my feeble attempts." For the Lord gives wisdom; from his mouth come knowledge and understanding; he stores up sound wisdom for the upright; he is a shield to those who walk in integrity, guarding the paths of justice and watching over the way of his saints." Proverbs 2;6-8
The peace that my children have when they talk about God and His word when it applies to something in history, science, art, language, and math is incomparable to anything I could ever hope or dream for them. Ephesians 3:19-20.
For my few readers who may wondering why I am writing this? I had to journal before I forget what God has used to bless me. I had to write so on day when I am discouraged I can come back and be reminded. I had to Praise God for all He has done and will do. The other day as my oldest helped my youngest one day with math I was reminded with the warm fuzzy in my heart that I may have never got to see that happen and another moment seeing my youngest teach one of my babysitting kids from a book how to sign language... I just cried. So thankful to have the relationships I have with my husband and boys. So thankful He has brought such closeness to our family. So thankful He has taught me to be biblical in my role as wife and mother. So thankful for all the families He has brought to our lives through homeschooling. So thankful for all the hard lessons and trials. So thankful to be in His Will and see fruit in my sons.
I thought OH, thank you Lord for finding me worthy to have sons, to call me to home school them and to teach them along side the greatest Teacher of all You, O Lord, Our Holy God. Thank you for forgiving me and changing me. Thank You for having plans for me. Thank you for giving parents who prayed even though they did not know Your plans for me, Thank you Lord for giving me grandparents who prayed even though they didn't know Your plans for me, Thank you for great-grandparents I never met but had strong Faith to pray for me. May I continue to pray for the future generations to grow them In Your Word and Truth , so they may be wise as it says in Proverbs 1 and 2 to hear and increase in learning, and understand and obtain guidance treasure only your commandments and seek Your Wisdom and love You and Your word and hide it in hearts. May Your Word plant deep roots in my children's hearts, my grandchildren, and future generations of our family to leave a legacy a of family who loves and worships You. Thank You for planning my journey and helping me have a bigger picture and not be held captive to fear or guilt but equipping me and using me to Your glory as a wife and mother. Thank You for Your Mercy and sending Your Son to save me.
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