Psalm 23:4 - "Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me."

Ever had times where you felt you were a reproach to everyone. I have. I don't want to even tell anyone when I have those times, b/c i don't want empty pity or someone just being nice and saying they are my friend b/c they don't want my feelings hurt. I have found friends are even fickle. They are there one day and gone the next. But God is constant. I know no matter who is trying to comfort me only God can. I got this verse today it brought great comfort. I know self-pity is a sin. God is with me and I keep asking Him am I reproach to you. The only thing that matters to me at this time is that I please Him. He meets with me every morning and evening. Yet again I am reminded when we seek Him, He is always there. When I am in His presence I don't feel rejected or insecure, He convicts me of my short sightedness and lack of trust but I don't feel insecure nor rejected like I do by so many others. I have felt so alone with crowds yet in my time with Lord I never have felt alone.

A poem I read today in a devotion...

She came tonight as I sat alone The girl that I used to be. . .And she gazed at me with her earnest eye And questioned reproachfully:"Have you forgotten the many plans And hopes that I had for you?The great career, the splendid fame All the wonderful things to do?""Where is the mansion of stately height With all of its gardens rare?The silken robes that I dreamed for you And the jewels in your hair?"And as she spoke, I was very sad,For I wanted her pleased with me . . .This slender girl from the shadowy past The girl that I used to be.So gently arising, I took her hand,And guided her up the stair Where peacefully sleeping, my babies lay So innocent, sweet and fair.And I told her that these are my only gems,And precious they are to me,That silken robe is my motherhood Of costly simplicity.And my mansion of stately height is love,And the only career I know Is serving each day in these sheltering walls For the dear ones who come and go.And as I spoke to my shadowy guest,She smiled through her tears at me,And I saw that the woman that I am now Pleased the girl that I used to be.—Anonymous

This spoke to me. For years I have wondered where that thin beautiful full of life ready to take on the world had gone. I was glad God had changed me, but to be honest there were some things I missed about her. I have been more insecure, hurt and wounded more than ever I was when I was young. She didn't care what others thought. She was not hurt by others thoughtlessness. She was thoughtless at times though. She didn't even think of what her life said about God. She paid God no attention.

My recent time with the Lord has removed the insecurities by just starting to memorize 2 Peter. I am not worried about impressing that young girl no do I want to remember her. I want to follow the word of God and die to self and be new in Christ. I want to focus on Christ to be the one I am pleasing. Even pleasing other believers is starting to fade. People pleasing is such a struggle for this old sinner. But God is true to His Promises and He does make you new and set you free when you humble yourself and repent and pray. I have said so many times this week O Lord I don't know how I am going to become this biblical woman but I know I don't have to worry or be anxious. You have solved the greatest crisis in my life. You Saved me. You kept me from what I truly deserve and now you are allowing me to know you. I am amazed at how God provides my needs. Not just physical but spiritual. I can Trust that God will allow the Holy Spirit to guide my mouth, my actions and most importantly my thoughts. I am slowly finding how to let go and let God. God I can't control my thoughts no matter how much of the Word I read or memorize but You can O Holy God. You can for what is impossible with man is possible with God. This verse has brought such clarity of who is in charge of me and what He is doing this week I am so thankful He heard my cry and as I repented and drew close to Him. He was near. God is Emmanuel ( god with us).. He is so sympathetic and He knows all our temptations. I am so thankful to Trust in Him making me into the Woman He wants not the woman I think He wants.

2Peter 1:3-11 3His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him(F) who called us to[c] his own glory and excellence,[d] 4by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become(G) partakers of the divine nature,(H) having escaped from the corruption that is in the world because of sinful desire. 5For this very reason, make every effort to supplement your faith(I) with virtue,[e] and virtue(J) with knowledge, 6and knowledge with self-control, and self-control(K) with steadfastness, and steadfastness with godliness, 7and godliness(L) with brotherly affection, and brotherly affection(M) with love. 8For if these qualities[f] are yours and are increasing, they keep you from being ineffective or(N) unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 9For whoever lacks these qualities is so nearsighted that he(O) is blind, having forgotten that he was(P) cleansed from his former sins. 10Therefore, brothers,[g] be all the more diligent to make your calling and(Q) election sure, for if you practice these qualities(R) you will never fall. 11For in this way there will be richly provided for you(S) an entrance into the eternal kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

A simple craft to do on a cold cold cold day.... but make sure you have some time to get the wiggles and giggles out after.

We made igloos out of a plastic cup. I cut a door in it and the children iced it with white icing and placed cut up marshmallows on it. You are supposed to use minature ones but all I had were the large ones. It was a fun snack and craft all in one. I have always loved allowing my children to do messy crafts. I have always wanted to be a place where the kids could paint, play with play doh, or do any craft they wanted. My grandmother was that way with me. I loved going to her house in the summer we would do homemade dough and bake it and paint it. We also made Turkeys out of gords at Thanksgiving and many more crafts at differenst seasons. She even taught me how to sketch. She always told me my scribbles were art. I loved her view of things and today I know she would have loved our igloos. I am happy to pass this precious legacy on to my children. Make time to do some art with a child you never know what you are creating or how you are influencing the artist... I am not the most talented I can make good sugar cookies but my icing decorating could use some help, but what matters most is making memories and enjoying children right? A little spilt milk can always be wiped up. It's the time and memories that are priceless. I think I will always be a big kid at heart. I love seeing things through a child's eye they have such better vision than we adults at times.

"Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. 15 "Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it at all." 16 And He took them in His arms and began blessing them, laying His hands upon them. (Mark 10:13-16 NASB)

A New Year....what touch will I leave for God on other's?

As I spoke of in my last post I am reading a book called Feminine Appeal and in it she speaks of making our home express that we love God. What do people see when they visit our home? Do we make our homes helpful to our husbands and comfortable haven for our families. This has been process over the past years in my life. I am continuing to grow in these areas and now I pray for my sons' if it is God's will for them to marry that their wives are being trained in a biblical home. I pray that we are raising our boys to be biblical men. I pray for the Lord to surround us with like minded friends to help us grow in our biblical roles and help encourage our children to grow in those roles as well.

As, I have been studying this past months on my role and praying for my husband and boys. The Lord has guided and answered in many ways by bringing great women into my life.

Last night we had a New Year's eve party. There were 40 people in our home, and 8 girls were in it from the different families. These families are raising their girls to be biblical women. Our Youngest son came walking in " Girls, uh mommy ( I love that he is 9 and still calls me mommy) you are never going to believe what they did to Super Bear..."

I had a very worn tu-tu in his dress up box for the little girls I babysit to wear. In fact I had forgot it was in there and through all the superhero, policeman, fireman, star wars, and armor of God dress up they found the one feminine thing I had which was a pink tu-tu with a feather waistband that was a little ripped, but these wonderful girls made something very beautiful for Super Bear to wear instead of him wearing his Superman outfit.... They made a very beautiful dress, and you would have never known it was a ripped tu-tu... Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Proverbs 31 says.. "She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple." What a precious touch some precious little girl left in our home full of males and superbears...It was such a blessing!

I pray to be a Proverbs 31 woman. I pray for Proverbs 31 women to be in my life as friends, and I also pray for my sons to marry Proverbs 31 women.

What touch do you leave?

de⋅ac⋅ti⋅vate
1.
to cause to be inactive; remove the effectiveness of.

This is a definition of deactivate from dictionary.com that I found. I recently deactivated my Facebook b/c I felt that my growth in the Lord has been complacent. I am a social person but after reading a book called Feminine appeal. I was convicted on self-control yet again and lack of it in my life. Sin in our lives can deactivate us for the Lord. I was not being effective for the Lord in my life. I was praying for others and ministering through messages ect. I am not saying Facebook is evil or wrong for believers. It is my sin that I had to repent of. The sin of procrastination, pride, seeking man's approval, and spending time on the computer to remove myself from my daily life as a break... a get-away. In the book it asked us what we had as relaxation that was a sin, some watch T.V. and stay up late and then they get up late and not available to serve their family. I have always been a night person, and now reading this book I was convicted by the words written in it that. The book said it was sin of pride. I just was heart broken at what I had done and at the realization of how much I had been stealing precious minutes to prepare for my family. I was heart broken at the sin I had committed towards God. I was heart broken on not listening and obey His Word.

The Lord has always laid on my heart who to pray for and when. Why had I suddenly lost that Trust and think I needed to find others on my own to minister to through Facebook? Why had I become so fleshy? Because I am sinner.

Another thing that I allowed Facebook in feeding my sin nature to do is remove me out of making real relationships with others and just relate through comments or likes. No one needs me to like their comment who am I? I am just dust. No one needs my comments. No one needs my quoting of scripture. God wants me to be a biblical woman who will surrender and submit to His Will in all areas in my life. He does not need me, but I must make Him my only need. He is the provider of all my needs. I lost sight of that. I need to pray for others to need the Lord. I need to pray for others to be thirsty for His Word.

Yet I found my sinful pride being fed to a dangerous level. It is so easy to feed my non willingness to really listen to God and think I can help others but also to not allow the Lord to guide and lead me in my relations. Pride is such a horrible sin. God despises the proud.

Facebook's positive mark on my life. Humility. I read in the book about purity and how we should not think that we are above temptation. I am not tempted to look at someone or be unfaithful. I am not tempted by drugs or pornography.... oh but there are many other sins and lusts that I have and as James 1:13-14 says " Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed". My lusts are pride, seeking others approval, praise, and many more... By the Holy Spirit has the Lord convicted me and how truly grateful I have spent time in His Word and His Word has washed me clean yet again in my life.

I don't want to be deactivated in serving my family for the Lord. I don't want to be ineffective. I cherish that the Lord has given me a family and called us to the life He has for us whatever that may hold good things or bad. I want to not be only earth bound but to see and intentionally live Kingdom focus. I have fallen very short of that.

Now that more scales have been removed and light shown into the depths of the dark corners of my deceived heart. I repent. I cherish that He has given me a husband who loves God and God's Word. I cherish that I have two healthy beautiful boys that God has provided me to fulfill their needs. I need to obey God and be a helper to my husband and biblical mother to my boys. Therefore yet again at the beginning of a new year I find myself on my knees in repentance and surrendering to the Lord to be Lord and dying more to myself by His grace. So thankful He gives us a helper the Holy Spirit to help us accomplish His plans for our lives and not our prideful desires.

Here is the scripture I am praying over my life...Romans 13:14

But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.

What do you want to be son?

So I asked my son who is going to be 12 in one month yesterday," What do you want to be when you grow up? "
He said "Mom I am just trying hard to be a kid." I said, " Oh yeah," and he said, " Yeah, I want to be kid for little longer." I said, "Ok." My eight year old when asked says, " I am going to be chef". I said, " Are you sure, you are only eight that is big decision to make for the rest of your life." He said, " Yes, I am." The oldest one does not surprise me b/c he is just big ole kid. He still wants to sit on my lap and hug. Which is fine I am trying to hug him as much as I can b/c soon he will be grown and thinking about moving on his own. It is 6 years to him being 18.

My younger one does not surprise either he has been talking about having his own restrauant since he was six and we were out on a mommy and son date. He told me as we sat waiting on our pizza he was going to have one and there would be tables for kids and adults. I asked him why and if he wanted to sit on his own and he said no. I just want to be able to touch the floor.
Then I began thinking how I as mother would be to them when they were grown and found myself thinking I know how to be a mom to a kid but how to be a mom to a grown son is whole new thing I need to be praying about. Thank you Lord for helping me see I need to prepare but also helping me cherish the time and "Be still". I am just trying hard to be a mom and reminding me even though my feet touch the floor I still have growing to do in You.

Humbled.....

So Christmas this year I learned about the true gift of Christ in Christmas and Forgiveness. I received a gift from someone I did not want to thank. I know you are thinking and this person calls herself a Christian. My did the Lord humble me on my self-righteousness. I did end up thanking but first I had to repent of my anger and unforgiveness and confess to the person before thanking them but in my thank you I spoke of the Lord and His glory and It was Him who had them do give it, and Him who drew me to receive the gift, and Him that allowed me to repent and Him that Forgave. I have been in church for years and spend daily time in the Word. Also after this God did not stop there. I was so amazed b/c this gift that the person gave me was something I thought was lost, I had to sacrifice it ealier in the year. All this year several things happened to build upon this moment. God still in His mercy and grace and knowing I had this seed of bitterness growing in my heart still did this beautiful thing. Not that Christ and the cross was not enough for this old sinner and not that I don't get all emotional when I hear Mary did you Know or Emmanuel but This Christmas at age 35 the Lord my beautiful Savior taught me how to remain repentant, humble, and forgiving toward all mankind and allow Him to be the Judge, The King, The Rebuker and The Redeemer, The Restorer. Right before I was given the gift I had studied in Genesis about how God protected Sarah when she was with King Abilimech and how God protected the King by not allowing him to touch her and He went to Abraham and asked him why he lied and how God forgave Abraham and redeemed Sarah again. Not by any means am I Sarah but what a wonderful scripture to study and How the Holy Spirit prepares our hearts to repent.
As I pondered all this happening and was blessed yet again to spend Christmas with my family and my parents. My mom had recently had an operation and was home For Christmas but then fell ill again. We all were up and down praying just being restless. I was up with her one night and I was sharing with her about my gift and then she said Paige all you have to do is call out to Jesus and He is and will finish molding you and making you into the godly woman you so desire to be b/c your heart is in line with God just trust. I got up and went and read out of devotion as my mom lay there in peace even though she was so ill. The devotion said even Christ who was God and is God did put Himself equal to God but served Him unto death. How arrogant I had been and How much Joy filled my heart knowing that He had forgiven me for putting myself equal to him and how humbled I was and willing to just serve now and be content to serve unto death. Romans tells us to live at peace with everyone with every effort and leave room for God's wrath. My How thankful I am He is a Holy God.