My Chains are Gone...Like a flood His Mercy reigns

My Chains are gone I have been set free!!!!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-mNT0axB9U

As I write this, I listen to one of my favorite songs of all time. Amazing Grace by Chris Tomlin.
2010 is a year that my husband and I have prayed and longed for since 2002. I remember the day as if it were yesterday, wracked with guilt anxiety and stress. We were a negative in the bank, the creditors were calling, and the bills were going no where. We were in debt 30,000 in credit card debt. Nothing really substantial to show for it either just clothes and shoes really. We had old furniture, old house, and young children. How had this happened we only had 12,000 dollars worth of debt and my hubby's school loan when we had moved into our first home as a young married couple with child. We gone from that to having house debt, van debt, credit card debt and don't forget a 20,000 dollar student loan we had fallen 3 months behind on. Well, I will tell you not being saved, not walking with God, not being wise with our money, sick children and medical bills paid by credit cards, our youngest got RSV and for more than one months both children suffered ear infections and sometimes we have 500 dollars worth antibiotics we had to pay for.. when you have a tight budget and not walking with God, you pay for it with a credit card... and buying without having the cash flow to really support dressing my kids in all the best brands, buying gifts for others to make myself feel better, trying to fill a hole that only God could fill and trying to get past guilt of sin and trying to save myself without confessing and turning to God. Basically living above our means and thinking wants were needs, entrapped with worldly possessions. Oh, and let's not forget PRIDE!! Pride is a sin I fight daily!! Pride has lot to do with any sin in our lives and it goes hand in hand with debt and money issues.

So on that summer day in 2002 I was sitting on my porch smoking, yet another intelligent thing to do...NOT! That is another thing the Lord broke me of for another post, but for those wondering I am free of that chain for almost 6 years now. I was pouring my heart out to a christian friend and she said you have to get a grip and turn to God. I knew all about the right thing to say do I had been raised in church, but all the info had not become heart knowledge, it was all head. I wanted to blame my husband, he was supposed to be the business man, the head of the home, why had he not been more strong and controlled me. LOL! For those of you who knew me when you know how strong I am and independent I used to be... She also suggested which was my only option at the time to call the credit counseling agency and see if they could consolidate my bills and work something.. Me being the hypocrite carnal lost christian game player... I just knew this was answered prayer that God would provide. You see then my view was God was this big Genie in a bottle that came in cleaned up my messes and grant me desires b/c He loved me.. Like Santa Claus... Do you see how self serving this God is? Not me serving Him and needing to die to myself. I mean I had this christian friend that was affirmation, and all that day I kept seeing all these commercials for them so it had to be a sign right, and God want us to prosper... See how shallow my faith was, if you even want to call it faith. It was me making a God I wanted to my selfish desires, me thinking I knew best not really knowing God who He is or even going to His word. Me being an Idolater...But one thing kept ringing in my head it was a sin to be in debt and you can not serve two masters... Thank the Lord, He is long suffering and gentle in His correction of this stupid wretch of a sinner.. Thank the Lord for Mercy and Grace.

So we did do credit counseling, and all the while began really getting involved in church. God had a plan. Thank the Lord in His Mercy He a had plan. I was a slave to my sin. I still had not been set free. I was still playing a game and my heart had not been renewed nor my mind. I was not a living sacrifice. I was still making Idols. Our marriage went through hard times as well, the blame game. The bitterness seed grew in my heart towards my husband, why I don't know I was just as much to blame as he but you see I twisted that head of the household thing that God talks about to my advantage.... Twisting the Word to my view, another sin. Do you see how soaked in sin all this is? How death is the plan's of man? How you should not lean on your own understanding? How you should avoid evil, and run to God? Well in this time guilt over all this hidden sin in our lives was driving me crazy and in my own strength I thought I could figure out what God wanted. I started changing trying to submit, trying to respect my hubby, trying to be happy about staying at home, trying to share the gospel, trying to be a perfect mom, well God did change me in some points in all that but I still was not fully surrendering to His Word, His Way, His Will.. but Mercy and Grace He loved me and was faithful while I sinned and still remained faithless, sermons and God's word, and books with God's word kept convicting me, people that were brought into my life convicted, songs, you name God was after me with a vengeance and with a fervent Holy love. So we did the counseling for a few years and then we realized it was ruining our credit worse than bankruptcy, but that Pride of mine was not going to do that I had gotten this debt. We were going to pay it back b/c after all I was a christian woman, I had to pay back my debt...see how I justified myself? See the pride? Uggh, it still disgusts me to think how foolish I am. But God in His Mercy worked a opp. I prayed, my hubby prayed, we did confess and we repented over this sin many times and begged God to save us and deliver us. He didn't have to just to be saved and not going to hell is enough but in His Mercy He did something above we could dream or hope or pray for Ephesians 3:19. Never think even in your mixed up thinking that you can't cry out to God for His Mercy.. for even when we don't know how to pray the Holy Spirit Moans and Groans on our behalf. My husband's employer is ConocoPhillips and gas was doing awesome. My hubby's stocks and retirement had built up where we could get a loan and pay off this debt and loose a little interest money but pay ourselves back. It was our only option our credit was so bad no one would loan us money, my parents even had to cosign on our cars so we could get one. We paid for the cars but still talk about humbling to be an adult and still need you parents to cosign..But God humbles the proud. I am thankful to my parents too they have helped us many a time.
So we did this loan and it would be paid off in 5 years. 2010 was the year 30,000 would finally be paid off. Now, remember I told you we had hard times in marriage, we did. My children have suffered b/c of our debt too. Because we have to go without some things, not live in the nicest area and live in an older home. That was another humbling thing. I had always grown up living in the best area and going to the best schools. Maybe not the fanciest house but still the best school district. I was spoiled with love and things. This was hard to learn what are wants and what are needs but God is Holy and He does discipline those He loves. I also learned how to make what I have beautiful with out a lot of money. It was also humbling to not be able to buy gifts when I wanted to, clothes when I wanted to, and sometimes we would only have 20 dollars but plenty of groceries to last to the next pay day. I hated living that way b/c if someone got sick I may not have the co pay. But we always were able to pay our bills and God would help us make through those hard weeks and teach me to be frugal, wise, and good house manager and help mate to my hubby. He provided babysitting kids when we needed money, He provided little bonus checks when needed it. He always provided for our needs, and even provided for us when we were helping others. I know sounds crazy but we would allow people to live with us and minister to others even when we had little. That was another humbling thing for me and my hubby we realized how our sin of debt affected work for the kingdom of God. He gave us new desires and new hearts and new minds during all this, because you see he works all things out for His glory. My husband and I are very generous hearted people I am not saying that to boast. We love others and we love to minister, We had to learn how to serve and do God's work with out money and using all that we could do physically. I also learned I don't need money to show others I love them. We also learned how to tithe first then pay bills. That was big lesson to learn to Trust God and realize it's not ours anyway, it's all God's.

The last lesson I learned was we were doing well almost to the finish line of 2010 and we had a set back in our finances. I had been saved and we were walking with God and we were in the word and learning who God is. Yet never think even though you have confessed and repented you are above temptation is this lesson. My hubby made a mistake and with a tight budget if you get behind kinda hard to catch up. He didn't want to tell me and He tried to fix it on his own. Which made things worse. I had planned on not babysitting and was down to two kiddos and was going to be good time b/c they were going to school. I would still watch them but it was less money but nice to have no diapers and no babies for the first time in many years. But this happened. So God in his Mercy had been having this lady want me to babysit for months and I kept saying no I am retired. Then David confessed and we were behind again. I was so Mad!!! It was only 600 dollars but still how were going to do that and still tithe and do all we are supposed to do. So in that anger I went and sold my wedding ring. Remember all those lessons God was teaching me, I still had more pride, bitterness, and anger to work out of my sinful heart. Refiners fire here it came again. I used the money to get us caught up but after much talking and scared I could not be totally vulnerable to my hubby I reluctantly took the babysitting job. I grew so angry and bitter towards my husband though. Why did I have to take on another job? Why didn't he, he was the one that messed up? He was supposed to be our head and provider? Were we not mature in our walk by now after all this to be walking in victory? Why did God not change David? Why Did God not answer my prayers for both of us? I was so angry that it was a battle for our marriage. Some days I wanted to leave and just be like fine I will support our family. I was so mad b/c I thought he was not being a good example as a godly man to our boys. I would have to do it. Do you see a pattern here again? Is this what God's word says about wife and mother? No . Is this How God wanted me to be? No. This time I knew the word and I would pray it and dear Fellow believers were praying for us. We made it and God showed me He was Provider, He is over my husband, but He allows things to grow me more into His Son's image. He taught me I am still weak and it is only by His mercy and grace am I His child and do I obey His Word. He taught I am trust and obey and I must even if my flesh says not too and circumstances can look, God hates divorce, He has created me to be David's help mate. He showed me David is human, not perfect, God doesn't expect me to be perfect, He loves me and changes me in his timing and I am to pray for my husband. Had I not messed up and confessed to God and wanted forgiveness, redemption, restoration and deliverance and help form Him, yet I was not willing to do the same for my husband? He also taught me He has made my husband into a godly man, and that is exactly who He wants to walk with me and raise our children. I must submit and Trust God. Had God not saved me and changed me, are not His ways higher, am I not to lean on Him instead of my own understanding? Has not Satan done this before with Eve in the garden tempting her, twisting the word, had she not wanted to know better than God, had she not fought for headship over Adam? am I not of the same sin nature and only by Grace have I been saved and His righteousness that clothes me? Am I not to be completely and totally dependent on God? Must I forgive and empty myself as Christ did for me? You see when we go to the cross all our pride should die, all of being should die and realize He paid it all and we are to obey and follow and be a Christ follower. I confessed and repented and fell to my knees and begged for forgiveness and then I had to forgive and ask to be forgiven by my husband. David had been praying and repenting too and we began to study the bible together and we prayed scripture over our lives, marriage and family. I sold my ring that July, In December of all months God had someone return my ring. There was only one set of friends at the time that knew where I had sold it. These friends were going through a divorce at the time and we had prayed for their marriage to be saved but they still divorced but God had this person be the one to return my ring. When she bought my ring she was letting go of her marriage it was Only God who could have laid it on her heart to do something like that. God is Mercy and Forgiveness. that story has a whole another day too... But God is the one who saves us, saves our marriages. I was overwhelmed at Christmas to say the least and deep lesson that Christmas. Here I was ugly and angry and horrible and sold my wedding ring to try and fix something and bring embarrassment to my husband and shame. I was being vengeful... Yet God did not shame me, He should have spanked me hard, but He granted me Mercy and forgiveness and RESTORED...Still have tears when I look at my ring on a daily basis. Not that riches or jewelery will be worth anything when we face our king; but for God to do that in a personal detail in my life overwhelms me at How loving of a Creator? How can I not obey, surrender and serve and do whatever He asks, Romans says its God's goodness that brings conviction of the sinner.... ponder that. I don't deserve anything but hell, yet He saved me. I just stand in awe at that.

So the ending to our story. We paid off the debt, I am no longer babysitting. I am completely dependent on God to provide by my husband. I love my husband more every day and am happy to be home and homeschooling our boys. I am happy in my wonderful old home and would willing to give up anything God calls me to? My husband is a very godly man and great leader. David has savings in our bank and he has followed through and gotten counsel from a pastor friend, by reading the Dave Ramsey plan ,and God's word. He sought God and His word and obeyed. Our marriage is stronger and better because of the trials and good times. We now confess to each other nightly sin we are struggling with and pray before we sleep. We read God's word daily together. We no longer see wants as needs and God is growing us even more to care less about things.. but care about Kingdom work.We both believe marriage is a witness of Jesus and the church and not about us or our wants or desires or comforts. Marriage is to bring Glory to God. We also have both been fighting another sin, food. I have lost 33 lbs and David has lost 23lbs in six weeks. God is might to Save! 2010 is a big year in our lives and huge spiritual marker for both of us. I am sure we will face many more trials. But we serve an amazing HOLY GOD who holds us by a MIGHTY RIGHT Hand. We may stumble He will not let us fall. God saved and corrected us, He provided for us, He changed us, He restored us, and He broke our chains of debt. He will continue to break our chains b/c Jesus came to set the captive free. We serve a Resurrected Savior! But we must all humble ourselves, confess and repent. He provides streams in the deserts and roads in the wilderness. Listen to the song above!!