Repentance of sin of false idol of food and Joy of trial....

Self-Control in all things.... 

Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one receives the prize? So run that you may obtain it. Every athlete exercises self-control in all things. They do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. 1Cor.  9:25

This verse is really convicting my heart. I am on a new plan of health again. Last summer I was and lost 65 lbs. but much to my chagrin I have gained it all back. I failed b/c I relied on my own strength and not God. Oh don't get me wrong I prayed and I used scipture but I wrestled with God doing the right things and trying so hard in my own strength and not resting in Christ. I did not have joy about the struggle. I did not have joy in battling sin with God. I only had joy in weight loss and compliments that I received. I had joy in man/woman praising me for being better about my health. I had joy in feeling that I was more accepted among my peers. I had joy that I didnt feel huge in pics anymore. I had a false joy. I had an empty joy. Which in end brought about me seeking joy in food again and find comfort in food instead of true joy in God . Therefore not really repenting of the sin of food as an idol in my life and not making Christ my portion. But God in His mercy allowed me to come to end of myself again in this sin and lovingly has corrected and called me out of the darkness and began working on my heart.
 First after gaining the weight I got down. I thought about just quiting and giving up. I also even blamed God.... kinda like Adam did in Genesis after Eve ate the from the tree. But to quit just was not what God was going to allow. He just was patient with me and kept speaking to me through His word the Bible and the Spirit just kept convicting me of my sin. This is one thing that I really want to do before I turn 40 I want to be in a healthy eating lifestyle. I want to be in a right relationship with my God, my Lord, my King, My Abba, My friend, My sympathetic High priest, I want to be right with Jesus. I want Christ to be my portion. I want to  be back down more than 65lbs but if that is all I lose than I will be content. If I lose a few lbs. I will be content. The purpose of this journey is not that I really lose my goal amount but to stop not having self control in all things. The purpose of this is for Christ to be my portion. I am diciplined in bible study, I can be diciplined in my house work, faithful to my husband and my family but all the things that I am diciplined in and that I do show self control in is b/c of Christ not me. But this verse says every athlete exercises self-control in ALL things.  This thorn of weight and love of food  just frustrates me to no end. I hate the way I have used food as false idol. I have not used it as God intended for good as fuel to my body. I have used it for entertainment. I have used it for comfort. I have used it to just fill a void that only I should allow God to fill.. I hate the way others judge you when you are overweight they act like you are lazy, or you not as of the same value, or they have no compassion for you b/c they just dont understand why you can't stop eating and why you can't make right choices. I too have said the same things to myself. I have finally come to a point where I am grateful for this trial and sin. I have come to  a place where I see my issue with food is sin and I have to repent. I have joy in God knowing that He is loving father and when I surrender this to Him, he will be faithful to walk with me in this trial. Will it be easy? No. Will I lose weight? I dont know.  I have to fully seek God and ask him to help me b/c I am so weak in this I can't do this on my own with fast man made ways. I want to be self controlled in all things. I want to show God's glory in my life, in my eating, in my thoughts, in my all my ways. I want to show God's glory in my weakness and need of Him too. I want to show my Joy in God and not in losing weight or getting man/woman's approval. I have realized I have the approval of God b/c of Christ doing what He did on cross now I just need to walk from victory and not be bound to my slavery of sin and chains of sin and show I serve a Savior who is Risen and He is my portion. I see that without this sin in my life I would not need my Savior. So as I journey on this new life change. I seek your prayers and encouragement. I pray Romans 12 to renew my mind and be a living sacrifice for Christ... b/c when I do it will mean that I finally have repented of the false idol of food and truely embraced Christ and He is my portion and I am not seeking something else to bring me comfort or pleasure but only Christ. I pray for my satisfaction to be in Christ and my JOy to be full in Him and Him alone. If I lose weight that will be just added blessing. " Count it all Joy  my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness and let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complet lacking in nothing." James 1:1-4

Blessings
Paige